don't wanna stay alive when you're twenty-five

Dear Dreams,

I don't believe in you. I know that is a strange thing to say, but I can't possibly believe in you. I've believed in too much for all of my life; I don't want to be let down again. Believing in you opens me up to that disappointment. I just need dreams so I feel like a normal human being. I'm probably the one letting you down.

- Me

gravity works slowly if you notice it at all.

Dear Casey,

Did you know I have a crush on you? More than a crush, in fact - I'm in love with you. So much that it hurts sometimes, and then I don't know what to do with myself. You are so beautiful and perfect, and every little thing you do gives me butterflies. I don't remember the last time I felt like this. I just want to be with you all the time, which is so unlike me. Because people usually piss me off, and I just want them to leave. But I just wake up every morning, wishing you were there - and, wow I'm really cliche. This wasn't supposed to turn out to be like this. But I really do want to be with you forever, and I know we can make this work. Please don't give up on me. I love you more than even I know.

- Me

you're always preaching not to be numb when that's how you thrive.

maybe you want her
maybe you need her
maybe you had her
maybe you lost her

*

extraneous solution

excuse me, hello.
which way do i go?
(extraneous solution)
inexplicably, irrevocably.
miracle you cannot conceive.
'i love you, please don't hate me.'
'i could never hate you.'
look at us now.
and, how?
broken heart
torn up notes.
plans forgotten.
tears shed.
(extraneous solution)
no more eye contact
no more hallway hugs
no more all nighters
no more of your love.
did i ever, pray tell, even have your love?
oh, i forgot.
(extraneous solution)
have fun with her;
since i'm obviously the
(extraneous solution)
excuse me, goodbye
thanks for the lies.

it's adios, reality.

Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters.

~Margaret Peters

Choose a few things that have happened in your life where time has shown you what really matters. In your journal, record one or two of these, paying particular attention to what it was about the event or situation that really made “what really matters” crystal clear. Also, include smaller details such as whether you had the revelation about what really matters immediately or if it was only on further contemplation.

*

• Living in the moment

So long in my life have I lived in the past or the future, but never in the present. When I was in today, I was remembering yesterday, and wishing I still had it. If yesterday was horrible, I was hoping for tomorrow. When my mom died, I was too busy living in the past; remembering when I was a child, missing our apartment, everything we used to live in. The truth is, what I've missed most in my life have been horrible, horrible things. None of this really occurred to me a while ago, until it suddenly all came crashing down on me. I was so depressed for a while, because I'd moved from a place that generally made me feel like shit. I hadn't made the most of what I'd had, living with Don and my mom. The funny thing is, when I was living in my apartment, I was looking forward to the future - when I would live with my mom and Don. I believed that I could somehow change my life by missing these things. Now I realize, even though I miss living with Don and I know I should have made so much more of it, I will never make out of life what I can without just being me, here, right now. Sometimes it's hard; all I want to do is hide myself under covers and think about the past, the times I took for granted, and pretend I have them back. Or I can dream about the future, where none of this will even cross my mind and my life will be fine.

Life will never be fine, but it can be better.

i wish you'd unclench your fists.

Prompt: Swirls

I don't know exactly how she ended up there, or exactly why she was here. She angry at me, I knew that much. Mumbling about breaking her heart, but my heart must have hurt so much more than she had. If only she'd listened to me when I'd tried to explain. Grasping at her hand - as if it was the lever to put her in standby mode while I tried to explain, she just took advantage. Left in a feeble and uncomfortable position, my wrists were placed under me - crushed by my tailbone. I bit my lips, fending off the tears - however, hiding the tears wasn't exactly what should be on the top of my priority list at the moment.

(Ring around the rosie...)

I considered asking her where she'd gotten the knife, since she'd always told me of being such a pacifist before this. The blade pushing against my neck - splitting the skin, if just barely, reminded me that I should not talk right now. It wasn't like I was afraid of her, because she was taunting me about not doing anything - I just wanted to make sure she wouldn't do anything she would regret in the future. I was never worth this much.

(Pocket full of posies...)

In some sort of almost perverted sense, it sort of made me happy that I meant enough to her for her to do this. Love or hate - they were both two of the most extreme emotions. She loved me a week before this, and I think she'll hate me a week from now, regardless of what happens. Anyhow, it was still proof that someone cared enough about me to do something about me - even if it was holding a knife to my throat. In the end, I think passion is passion, and you can't hate anyone without loving them first. The more you love them, the more you'll hate them later.

(Ashes, Ashes...)

My clenched eyes shot open just in moment to see the knife right above my chest. For a moment, overwhelming pain, and then - in a swirl of emotions and feelings - some sort of ambiguous nothingness formed in it's place. I wasn't sure if I was dead, or unconscious, or just blocking out the world. I just was, more or less. (Or maybe I wasn't?)

(We all fall down....)

left home with a pack of clothes, without a family tree

So it's been a dangerously long time, amirite? let's catch up

1. high school placement can be some scary shit - especially when you have no idea what you want to take and the only class you were looking forward to taking isn't offered to freshman. which, in case you were wondering sweetpea, is creative writing.and this pained me so intensely that i wanted to cry but managed not to. anyway, all they offer is journalism, and journalism fucks around with my brain so it just doesn't work. if there is even one difference between jaclyn and i (who i learned today loyally stalks me, although it kind of made me happy to find out), it's that i can't stand journalism because i don't have the attention span, while jaclyn is in what may be described as deep, passionate love with our dear journalism. so fuck this shit >=[

2. i went to new york city! first time since i was nine months old, so it was pretty exciting. i went there the day after christmas with my aunt and uncle, and my little clousin. which brings me to the topic of christmas, which was okay i guess. i got in this really weird fight with abbi on new years eve about guys that i really don't want to relive. oh and i got sick right before school started with the twenty-four flu and it sucked. also, i threw up in front of my grandmas house and it just kind of made me feel awkward that a bunch of old people were watching projectile vomit explode from out of my mouth. but that's okay.

3. i'm back to insomniac, not nocturnism (is that a word?!) only, now i don't need a minimum of three hours a sleep each night, it's only an hour and half - fuck me. i miss it though, because it kind of reminds me of fifth grade when everything was fine and dandy even though i didn't think it was. luckily, i've got my other insomniatic best friend jaclyn by my side to make sure i only get a full night of sleep on the weekend, amirite.

4. i saw the last johnny depp movie. which i realized, after a while of stating, that could be taken out of context, like, hai, this is the last movie johnny depp is going to be in, ever. what i mean to say is that i finally saw the only johnny depp movie that i'd never seen, so it all works out.

otherwise, that's about it. layout for the day?

yesterday i didn't go to school because of insane stomach pains - ohyea thanks for reminding me blog, i think i'm having an allergic reaction or some shit to my vitamins as i've gotten insane stomachaches after i've taken them each morning and gagged for about five minutes afterwards. but yea. so it was really funny because i suddenly discovered that jaclyn didn't go to school either, and apparently, michael didn't either. so, moral of the story is, a love triangle who skips school together stays together, amirite? oh god i'm an idiot.

anyway. so lol we're doing this skit in spanish where i have to play guitar and i had monica come with me to get the guitar and apparently she almost got a detention and now i think she hates me or something and. :< i talked to ms. rathgeber though and was like yea monica came down with me to get a guitar from the music room pls it's not her fault and then when i got home i had an im from her in all capital letters that said YOU ALMOST GOT ME DETENTION and now i feel really bad and i keep trying to apologize and she hasn't said anything :<

but um yea. so i had to stay after school to do this video thing for science and a bunch of people were there, including the love triangle, and cake. also since i'm too lazy to take down my own fucking chair i had jaclyn sitting in my lap for a majority of the video, after i realized that sitting with my ass half-off of it wasn't an option, grady was all like. michael, you are such a lucky man, and lol. just lol.

oh, and i just found out that monica wasn't mad at me and that she could never be mad at me and her mom apparently thinks that i am a very nice person, and cake.

but anyway, so then after the video finished we had fifteen minutes to kill and i'm pretty sure the mrs. day hates me or something, and it makes me sadface like there's no tomorrow, as she happens to be the only teacher this year who wouldn't like me, since all the others seem t think that the sun shines out of my ass.

but anyway so then i went to jaclyn's, mostly so i could sit with someone on the late bus, and we talked to michael and looked at all the files saved on her computer (image files, btw), and she has a bunch of anime porn that her friend cam sent her and it was realyl weird, but i guess i shouldn't be talking. and then we played brawl for like two hour straight until her parents were like KAY YOU LEAVE NOW.

and now I'm sitting her with my dog in my lap and it's kind of annoying how she just insists on licking my face off.

also, joshie came out of the closet and he's really cute and i love him :>

he's my hero, especially how he just walks down the hallways at school judging how hot he thinks guys are and my god, he made my life when he told me that he thought that tom cruise was a hottie.

anyway, BED TIEM for about two hours after SHOWER TIEM, and then waking up to do shit and talk to jaclyn online, and pls hope that alarm clock wakes up b/c i still have homework?

i talked to collin today
:>

come on, eileen.

Me and Cassie are REALLY connecting right now and talking about some shit that happened to us when we younger. It's really weird, because in a sense, it's almost like flirting, and I feel sort of bad for doing it.

But anyway. I got in a really big fight with Lori and my dad yesterday because i just told them I wanted to move out. ANd then I thought about it really hard, and it woudl be scary. I think we worked things out though. At least for a while.

So I bought myself a new SP charger on Amazon for, like, nineteen cents, and it's on my way to my Grandma's so that I will hopefully have it before I go to Connecticut for Christmas. Worse comes to worse, I'll still have it by the time I get to Aunt Kathy's and everyone'll be like LOL WILLOW PLAYS POKEMON. But that's okay. Speaking of video games, Dark Cloud 2 isn't as cool as the original and the more I play Kingdom Hearts the more I lol at it because, just, lol, how do you but Disney and Final Fantasy together?

um-OH YEA. I'm really obsessed with Death Note all of a sudden. I'm only on the second volume because I epically fail (or maybe third by now, I'm reading online) Jaclyn and I watched the Live Action movie the other day. Wanna know a secret? LOL, WATCH IT BECAUSE IT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY.

Anyway, not much to really talk about it. =/
Even though I haven't updated in God knows how long.

Regardless,

fin.