who are they anyway?

I revised my schedule according to this book about stress. Actually, it's working. I'm still not able to finish everything, but I think it's still good... and stuff. Lol. It's easier to do homework, but I'm not going to go into every little detail of my organization.

I really want to rant about my standpoint about shit, because we're doing political debates in Social Studies so I'm really worked up about everything. Also, I don't want to feel compelled to hit Mike in the face again.

Drugs I have an extreme aversion to drugs. For the longest time they bothered me, but it took me till a few weeks ago to develop the realization of how much I hate them. I think the reason I was never really bothered by them was that drugs don't really seem to pose a threat to my life. However, I think drug addicts et cetera are just unattractive. Actually, I think I realized this after I sat there and thought about the movie Party Animals, which is pretty funny, considering the fact that I loved that movie. Regardless, what appeal is there in drugs? It doesn't do anything for you, unless you're taking them out of medicinal necessity or something like that. But drugs are just gross and nobody likes them.

Alcohol My issue with alcohol is not as developed as drugs. A lot of people see that bad side of alcohol, but I know certain people who I can tolerate better when they're drunk. I do have an issue with drinking simply as a lifestyle, and think that drinking shouldn't be something that's done every night or every moment or whatever. That kind of shit bothers me. But, you get the point of what I'm trying to say here.

Economy This is coming straight from the debate during school today. We were talking about how Obama wants to spread the wealth and how McCain wants to keep it the way it is. Well, obviously something is wrong with the economy since it is what it is. I'm not saying that the diea of Obama's 'spreading the wealth' is all that spectacular, but I'm voting for change too (well, if I could vote. Also, I think that Obama has the most stupid campaign slogan even if he is my favoured presidential candidate.) I don't think that the government has any right to push someone from their wealth; if a person with some extra cash wants to donate it to some lower class people, then good for them. What I couldn't stand was the implication that the third class doesn't work hard enough (I think Ms. Hargens realized how pissed I was getting at this in class, too, because she changed to Gun Control, and I really don't care about Gun Control.) But the third class does not work less. I should know; I was a member of third class for eight years. You try and tell me my mom and I didn't work our asses off to try and make money. We worked harder, seriously, than anyone I know. I'm not saying that all third class is going to try to get off their ass and do something, but I'm saying there's a gracious amount enough of them who will. I mean, we never had any money and my mom spent every day stressing over how to get money so I could do things-- and the only reason we had over three or two hundred dollars in a bank account anyway is because of child support, and even then, my dad hardly paid it on time. Lol, did I mention I almost burst out in tears when we were talking about this in class? I get really emotional about shit.

Same-Sex Marriages GODDAMN. People are people. People are different. People don't wake up and decide, hey, I'm a man and I think men are smoking sex symbols today. I'm going to have another man fuck me in the ass tonight. That's not how it works. People just are. Like me, I've known I've been attracted to girl's too since I was about seven. I'm more attracted to guys, but that's besides the point. I don't believe in a god, simply because the idea of it is so obscure. I mean, really? I love to read and write, but just because some book is going to tell me I should shun every gay person doesn't mean that I'm going to believe it. I want some fucking proof here, and I still love gay people regardless. They're so abnormally adorable and... srslywat, homophobes need to fuck themselves. I mean, "it's awkward when we're in a room with gay people". In my head, I was like. HAIGUESSWHAT. I'M A GIRL AND I'VE HAD A GIRLFRIEND BEFORE. But I didn't want to say anything. That pisses me off. Not everyone flaunts their sexuality. Besides, it wouldn't be so awkward if it weren't for the fact that everyone thinks someones wrong with them, because nothing is.

Abortion Srsly? World is over-populated, and everyone is entitled to their freedom of choice. Isn't it the parents that have the choice to pull the plug on their son or daughter if they're in a life-threatening situation and stuck in a hospital anyway? Fin on that.

Education Schools are way to stressful. I think that there's a lot of things that schools could do to make it more bearable. They could make it so there aren't as many classes per day, and stretching them out throughout the week (like, the college weekly class thing or whatever. I think they should start this in Junior High or High School)-- this way, they have a longer time period in a class, hence learning more without 24 hour breaks or whatever, and then because there wont' be so many classes in a day, it'll cut back on the stress of homework and whatever. Either that or a four day week. Four and a half is even good. I don't know; the number five when affiliated with school has just always kind of overwhelmed me. Either that, or I think school days should make shorter, like cutting down five or ten minutes on each class. I guess that would make a half day every day, but I don't feel like I'm ready to kill myself with the nearest weapon after the end of the day. Also, I hate the No Child Left Behind act or whatever it is that causes all this fucking standardized testing, because I fucking suck at certain standardized testing. I tink it's okay in Science, it's okay in math because it can somehow make it more challenging. However, I think that they need to rethink their strategy for Reading/Language Arts-- because I think a lot of this language is interpretation, and not everyone thinks the same fucking ways as those test makers. Shit they piss me off. Also, L.A./Lit are my best classes, and always my worst standardized testing grades. And they always pull me down. I mean, yealol, my Lexile store was still 12-- throught 14--, the -'s signifying that i can't remember what numbers they were. And on my MAPS, I still went up , and I'm still always above district and national average, but I have a major issue when I have a 99 in Science, a 98 in Math, and an 89 in Reading, because that's fucking wrong.

I think that's it for now.
I'm glad I just ranted like fuck there.
I feel betterlol.

i want for you to be a good man.

I've had plenty of inspiration as to what this blog was going to be about; my love for gay people, the awkwardness that I hatet still irrevocably exists between my old best friend and me, or my current relationship with my father.

I settled on the last one, because it's the only one that's quite literally bothering me as I'm sitting here, typing this.

My father.

I don't know what has happened to our relationship recently. Has it died completely, just for the moment? What has happened to my dad? He was, hands down, the coolest dad I could have had when I was younger. I mean, sure, I bad-mouthed him around my mom, but that was simply because I hated knowing the way my father had treated my mother, when he treated me like a princess. Now it's grunt, oh, you're home. I love you too, daddy.

We don't even really have conversations about anything anymore. I mean, we never really had conversations to begin with, but we talked about redundant things and at least connected. The last honest-to-God conversation we've had, I believe, was either at a Mexican restaurant in June as we talked about movies. Or maybe it was that conversation where we talked about how we are very alike, regardless that I didn't spend much time with him for the first twelve years of my life.

Fuck, I don't spend much time with him now.

And before those two conversations, they were only about shit when he was trying to figure out what was wrong with me when I started having all those mental break downs at the end of last year. Looking back, I think it's safe to say that I honestly am clinically depressed, or was.

(I didn't need Zoloft, though.

Oh wait, my parents are bastards and don't seem to care about the fact that I attempted suicide a year and a half ago and have scars on my wrists as a result of masochism, and won't get me a therapist because they don't want to pay for it.)

Ugh, so anyway, my parents who may be the cause of this economic crises were up in Wisconsin, or at least a helping hand in the creation of it all, considering they own something like elven properties, three of which they 'live on', the other of eight they have dysfunctional tenants, who not only neglect to pay their rent, cause us a great deal of hassle otherwise. Obviously, as the philosophical thirteen year old I am, even I can tell that it is a far much better solution to sell the fucking properties, albeit the fact that the housing market is in the dumps right now.

Well, you don't have to do it right away.

But at least make me feel a little fucking better and talk about it.

Back to the point.

Lori and my father were up there, leaving me to fend for myself and for Savannah to do whatever it is she does for what must be the umpteenth time.

I am left, these weekends, in a house with little to no food that I can easily prepare, given the fact that I was never really taught how to cook anything. I have no money, due to a lack of a job I once had and/or allowance. Savannah is in school and working at a department store, I feel it is unfair for her to buy me shit. I am too young to have a worker's permit, and I will spend most of my time seeking out music videos that will cause me to break down and sob my eyes out, hit my fists against the floor, because life is unfair and my mother is dead.

My father shows up this morning; as far as I knew, he was not supposed to return home until tomorrow. Savannah didn't come home last night-- she's not supposed to leave me in the house alone (but even I am standing up for Savannah's rights as a twenty-two year old; let her do whatever it is bisexual 22-year-old girls such as herself do.) I stayed up until about three in the morning watching RENT, crying my eyes out, having that giddy "Oh my God, gay people!" feeling I feel all the time.

I set my alarm for ten this morning; I was perfectly aware of the fact that I had to feed my dogs.

My father wakes me up at 9:30. I wake up more in a frightened stupor that I am about to be raped, because as far as I know, my father has not returned from the hell hole of economic and financial disaster. He says, "HAI FEED THE DOGS," and then, like my alarm clock wasn't set and I'm an immature teenager, "IT'S A GOOD THING I CAME HOME. -INSERT UNCLE TOM LAUGH HERE-"

Also, if my very un-tech-savvy Uncle Tom happens to stumble upon that, which (as noted by the 'un-tech-savvy', as I believe we had a conversation about his lack for computer skills last time I saw him) would be rather unlikely, HOWEVER-- it was not a thing against you. I'm just making fun of my father futhermore.

My father did not take the time to let me sleep in for the only times of the week I am allowed to sleep in and catch up on fore-mentioned sleep; he made me do it myself. After I finished this, and realized it would be bad for me to once more retire to sleep, he began to lecture me about how he was not impressed with the house (I did a full inspection after he left; it looked exactly the same as he had left, unless he was counting the fact that blankets were in different places in the living room and that the remote control were piled on the floor next to it, showing that people do appreciate the fact we own a television, lest the fact it lacks a connection to Comcast or DirecTV or whatever cable or sattelite company we may be offered. And then the fact my sister hadn't yet done the dishes.

This is how things work when Savannah and I am home alone; I care for the dogs, she does the dishes. Dad was not supposed to come home until tomorrow, therefore, dishes were not done.

And then I had to cover up for Savannah as my father got all DID SHE COME HOME LAST NIGHT >=[, but as we ranted this afternoon and joked about bringing my father onto Maury, I realized that it didn't bother me all that much.

I miss my old daddy.

I was contemplating the fact that I love the feeling of being at Don's; I always have.

Sometimes I wish child services would come pick me up and auction me off to Don's.

By the way, it's official. Savannah's gonna move out once I have a job and can drive, and once I'm seventeen, I'm moving in with her until after high school, and then we'll see what happens after there.



(I feel better; tansk.)

give me a reason to end this discussion.

Well, this Monday I woke up and felt completely nauseous. I'm not even really sure what it was, I just remembering finishing the math homework I'd been too lazy to finish the night before, standing up to go to my closet and get dressed and suddenly, like, collapsing to the floor because I did not feel good. I got ready, just in case my dad made me go to schoo, but I kept my stuff upstairs when I went downstairs and acted all innocent. After he told me to stay home, I went upstairs, stripped to my skivvies (;]) and collapsed asleep. And then woke up at TEN THIRTY.

Then I watched The View with Lori and then we went shopping. I bought new skinny jeans, a pair of boot cut jeans (which, is surprising in itself, what is even more surprising is that I even wore them today)-- oh, and I also got a skirt. I don't know what's wrong with me. Then I bought two scarves, a headband, and a red sweatshirt. Woop. It was actually considerably fun, you know what I'm saying?

Um, yesterday Jaclyn was sick, but in the midst of her headache and cold, we discovered you can check your library shit on the internet. We were ecstatic, naturally.

Today was one of those days, you know? I woke up, abhorring that stupid alarm clock sound more than ever, so I just turned off my alarm and resolved to lay there for the rest of the song. At 5:45 (45 minutes after my alarm goes off), I finally screamed "FINE!" at Weird Al Yankovic's "Albuquerque" and got dressed. On the bus, Alina was on. Alina does not bother me at all, until it comes to how hard it is to hear her and how she is so nitpicky about the music I play on the bus. I bothers me so much, especially in the morning. At school, I realized I had blanked out and forgotten my Science homework. Rebecca whatserface who I hate because of her stupid seat-kicking back-leaning on the bus thing when we were going to Springfield last year was like... I don't even know what she said, but whatever it was, she pissed me off with it.

The rest of the day went surprisingly good, actually. Until I got home, we had no car, and I realized that WELL HAI I FORGOT MY ALREADY FORGOTTEN SCIENCE HOMEWORK IN MY LOCKER BECAUSE I BLANKED OUT AND FORGOT THAT I HAD TO DO IT LOLWHUT. So I texted Kat, who was staying after for Stage Crew, and asked her to please get it out of my locker. We were going to the library, so I was going to get it from her then. And she just, like, blanked out and forgot it. Also, forgot to ask me if I needed a ride to the library, and there was still no car here.

I got pretty frustrated and pissed at Kat, but when I think about it, it's impossible to stay mad at the kid. She is way too cute for her own good.

Tomorrow, Lori's getting me out of Spanish and gym.

My dad doesn't know ;]

We're so badass.

Also, if you haven't noticed, we're having a really good week. It's because she keeps disappearing and coming back. She's leaving on Monday to drive Grandma to Texas and then the next time I see her is when I meet Caleb. Who still hasn't been born yet and it's like GRRR YOU LITTLE KID GET OUTTTTTT YOUR MY NEPHEW I WANNA BE AN AUNTIE. D=

Caleb's gonna be adorable.=3

the more you love someone, the more you want to kill them.

I finally saw Swallowed Alive again (=DDDD and yes, I did almost cry when Tom did. The first time I saw the episode, I cried. Which is kind of ironic, considering Swallowed Alive was the first episode of 21 Jump Street that I ever saw and I had no idea what was going. Regardless,) and I'm waiting until I finish a book so I can watch the next episode.

So I'm reading this one book that gives me the idea the nobody likes IAD (and I still have no idea what it stands for, but I'm too lazy to find out), I just know that Dennis Booker is still and asshole and I would cut off his dick and stick it so far up his nose that he would cum out if it if it weren't for the fact that I'm afraid he has herpes or something.

...could an STD spread if the dick was cut of from the rest of a person?

Ah, curiousity creates strange questions. Kind of like the time I asked Lori (just the other day, actually), if you're pubic hair grays.

She didn't know the answer, cough, and I obviously don't know the answer.

She told me to ask my dad and I said, NOOOOOOOOOOO BITCH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Also, I'm almost done with Volume 2 of Fruits Basket. Halfway done with It's Kind Of A Funny Story. More than halfway done with Death Rites and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I'm also now reading Dragon Rider, for school. I don't like fantasy, which is kind of funny because I have this epic idea for a book story thing.

But whatever.

I usually get a lot of reading done on weekends, I usually finish around four books. So It's surprising that I haven't finished a book yet. So either I finish three books today (lolwhut), and then I read one tomorrow, or I split it half and half.

Usually I have library books due THE NEXT DAY though, so I'm trying to read the fuck out of my books. However, I lost my library receipts.

Oh fuck, I HATE overdue fees.

(I think Yu-Gi-Oh! duelist may be a few days overdue, ohnoes.)

Well.

I guess I'll pay it off eventually, even if it is on my sister's card. Some of it. I don't have all of that stuff returned yet. I don't think. I can't remember what was checked out with whose card anymore.

Also, Lori and Dad are in Wisconsin so I had to wake up early. Obviously, I was pretty angry about this. >=[ I had to feed the dogs. However, I woke up and my alarm clock hadn't gone off yet (and I absolutely loathe the alarm clock beeping sound. It drives me insane, and is probably the only reason it wakes me up. Because it drives me insane, I mean.) But sicne it hadn't gone off yet, and I went as fast as I could and turned off that damn sound.

And then I realized it was exactly seven in the morny.

(I had my alarm clock set for then)

Oh, yea, and yesterday I had a very long discussion about story elements with Nicole. I miss her. She is teh epic pwnz0rs of cool people. >.>